Dakota Fanning Is A Dumb Bitch

Step Up 2: The

2008-02-16T01:07:00.000-08:00

I went out to the picture show tonight, and all these people were following this little guy out of the theater and asking for autographs. Turns out it was a dancer from "The Step Up: 2." One girl told me to go see the movie. I said no thank you because I was going to see "Jumper." As it turns out this dancer plays a pivotal role as Samuel L. Jackson in "Jumper" as well as a comedic turn as Abigail Breslin in "Definitely, Maybe." I liked him better in the latter. Because he shows his tits.

keeping score

2008-02-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

Heath ledger 1. owen wilson 0.

Work

2008-01-18T01:35:00.000-08:00

So my sister Elle and I star in the film adapatation of My Sister's Keeper. I'll let you read the plot summary yourself, but it's been really awkward on set with her. Most days all that kept me going was the knowledge that when I turn 19 and drunk drive my Range Rover off an overpass the scientists will take her parts and put them in me.

Hugs!

- Da'kota

Da'kota on Da'kota: an inner crisis

2008-01-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

Am I a parody of the real Dakota or am I parody of fat assholes like Perez Hilton? Who am I? This is my 15% life crisis, I think.

Love and Kisses,
Da'kota

Writers' Strike Continues in the Face of Scabs

2007-12-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

I'm not "happy" that some late night shows are going "script-less" and abandoning their writers. Really I'm not. But I have a much more important concern right now:

After several weeks can't we forge SOME kind of an interim contract just for porn writers? It can be like one page long and only good for like the Holidays or something, but this is FUCKING IMPORTANT. How are the actresses going to know where to put what when? I'm perfectly fine with reality porn, but after a while it's like "What's it all for?" It's starting to be like watching a Jude Law movie: boring and unpleasant to jerk off to.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I support the writers' strike.

Still just a simple girl from the country,
Da'Kota

Christmas

2007-12-19T02:41:00.000-08:00

They say the holidays are about giving and not receiving, but if people can just put down their
Hall Mark cards for a second and shut the fuck up, here is my Christmas wish list:

1: No more celebrity gossip. Come on, guys, it's a new year. Let's focus on the important stuff.

2. An end to Darfur.

3. A baloney sandwich. (The name I have given to a sex act where the (entire) cast of CSI pretends to examine me in a really overly sexualized and unnecessarily prodding manner, then pulls the zipper up on my body bag and yells "Baloney Sandwich!" Then they dog pile me.)

4. 3 more wishes!

P.S. I don't really wish that last thing; it's just something I heard a mentally handicapped boy ask a mall Santa once and thought was like the funniest shit in the world.

Happy Holidays,
D

Degrassi

2007-11-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

Everyone on the show Degrassi should be murdered and placed in some sort of mold so we can preserve them how they are forever. If they can be revived afterwards: great. If not: eh . . .

The funniest part? I don't even like the show Degrassi that much, just the idea of killing a bunch of teens and putting them in some sort of mold so we can preserve them how they are forever.

Stop the cyber presses!

2007-11-14T19:56:00.001-08:00

I'd call it "Black to Africa!"

Has it ever occured to anyone . . .

2007-11-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

that Denzel Washington is Black enough to win an Oscar, but NOT Black enough to actually live in Africa? What gives? I'm thinking about starting a movement. I'd call it "Back to Africa," and it would be a movement to organize a trip to Africa for Oscar winner Denzel Washington (and one lucky fan) to see if they like it there and decide to just, ya know, stay.

I don't want to sound competitive . . .

2007-11-11T10:27:00.000-08:00

because I'm not.
BUT . . .

Why did they hire a fat girl to do Project Red adds?

WGA

2007-11-05T12:24:00.000-08:00

The writers have struck. Drama is in a coma. What will I do now that any possible new roles have dried up ? Same as always: Massive amounts of coke.

-Da'kota

"Hannah Montana"

2007-11-03T21:11:00.000-07:00

is actually Miley Cyrus, and Miley Cyrus is actually on the national sexual predator list. Miley is my best friend and I wish her the best in her coming trial(s.)

And may I ask this question, "Why is it that when a man hooks up with a lot of younger girls he's considered a 'player,' but if Miley Cyrus kidnaps a bus filled with special ed kids and sadistically tortures them over the course of several days, she's a 'slut' and has to go to jail?"

D'Kotie is Back!

Free OJ

2007-09-18T22:24:00.000-07:00

Most of the charges against the juice are bullshit. And you can quote me, Da'kota Fanning, on that.

Olsen Twins Double Murder Duel

2007-09-04T01:26:00.001-07:00

Just as they always do, the Olsen twins agreed on Monday to settle a casual argument they were having by dueling with handguns at 40 paces on their estate in the Hamptons. Usually the wounds inflicted are minor and easily covered up by the twin moguls' handlers, but this time they each shot each other right between the eyes, killing both instantly. Residents of West Hampton were shocked and in mourning after hearing the news. All duels were postponed for one business day.

Miss Teen South Carolina . . .

2007-08-31T02:55:00.000-07:00

has died in a terrible car wreck.

Terrence Coward

2007-08-31T02:44:00.000-07:00

Terrence Howard was standing in Line at a Bank of America branch in Southern California (probably waiting to cash a fat check) when it was robbed on Tuesday. Allegedly, four gunmen wearing ski masks and carrying AK47's demanded that everyone "eat floor," an order which yellow-bellied actor Terrence Howard quickly complied with. At one point they randomly picked Howard up off the floor and demanded that he hold the duffel bag the teller was filling with cash. Though the gunmen were brandishing their weapons only inches from Howard's face, Howard refused even to attempt to disarm the criminals, choosing instead to cower like some kind of woman.Howard, a huge pussy, later claimed he could not even help police identify the thieves.

Britney Spears . . .

2007-08-26T13:52:00.000-07:00

is actually a pretty nice lady and people should probably just leave her alone. She's a working mother of two and very talented. While she is indeed struggling with a substance abuse problem, she is taking steps to change. As far as recent blogosphere posts construing the showing of her vagina in public as an act of so-called "insanity" I only have this to say: If showing your vagina to a bunch of people when you know that pictures will be taken and distributed worldwide is crazy, then I, Da'kota Fanning, am about the craziest girl you're ever gonna meet!

Jennifer Aniston Anti-War Billboards

2007-08-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Aniston is rolling out a new and innovative anti-war campaign. Using personal funds, Aniston has erected enormous billboards of herself across the country calling for the Iraq war's end. The innovative part is that Aniston will kill herself on September 25 if America hasn't pulled out by that arbitrary but firm date. The only question now: by what means will Aniston kill herself on September 25th, 2007.

Sean Kingston has a wait problem

2007-08-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Get it! He can't wait to eat before recording catchy Jamaico-pop.
"Informa, I eat raw eggs to give me the strength to record my songs, bloodclot," says Kingston, "The eggs come in the form of an ingredient in chocolate-chip cookie dough, bumboclot."

Alfred Molina Cursed!

2007-08-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Alfred Molina sold his soul to the devil in 1994 for the chance to co-star in that year's blockbuster Western "Maverik." Though Molina's career has since taken off to un-dreamed-of heights, he has certainly paid a price. In 2004 the same mysterious man who had bought his soul 10 years earlier returned and demanded that Molina hang a poster from "Spider Man 2" in his basement, a poster which with each passing year makes Alfred Molina look increasingly Jewish.

Uh Oh!

2007-08-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

Kira Knightley got fat again. Da'kota's advice: Hit the gym, Kira, and lay off the beer.

You fat pig.

I'm sorry. I couldn't contain myself.

Charlize Theron Dog-Fighting Ring

2007-07-31T23:29:00.000-07:00

Charlize Theron has been indicted in a case of conspiring to commit dog and other animal fighting crimes in the state of Alabama. She maintains her innocence despite the prosecution's claims of having photos of her wearing and selling paraphernalia associated with her particular kennel-- "Fight Club (for Dogz.)" She would sometimes videotape and take pictures of the events. For example, in the above photo Theron is watching a kitten be set on fire.

Important Update

2007-07-30T18:23:00.001-07:00

Here's a photo of B. D. Wong doing what he does best: Smiling. Like an asshole.

Fred Thompson, the Next President of . . .

2007-07-29T22:54:00.000-07:00

Last week, "actor" Fred Thompson, a member of the "Law and Order" ensemble, pushed the black guy from "Law and Order," Ice T. Then he looked at Ice T like "And?"
Then B.D. Wong was like, "Oh my God!" B.D. Wong is the Asian guy from "Special Victims Unit."

More Bad News

2007-07-20T14:18:00.000-07:00

It's Eichmann, not Eichman.

Tony Blair Accused

2007-07-20T14:14:00.001-07:00

Tony Blair was implicated last week in a scandal that crisscrosses the globe. He has been accused of sending sexually explicit letters and pictures to war refugees (from every continent in the world except Antarctica) whom he has met as a head of state. When questioned at a recent press conference Blair responded to the accusations by saying, "There aren't any refugees on Antarctica."

Correction

2007-07-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

In an earlier posting "Madonna Hitler Bones Swindle" I, Da'kota Fanning, said that Eichman had poisoned himself and his children after the fall of Berlin. I was thinking of Goebbels. Eichman escaped to Argentina. Joseph Goebbels poisoned his family.

Harry Potter and the Magical, Whimsical Ghost Ride

2007-07-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

On the same night this picture was taken, "Harry Potter" star Daniel Radcliffe ran over co-star Emma Watson when he was trying to impress her by "ghost riding" his car. He immediately stopped dancing around his still-moving car, got in, and sped off. He was found soon after and apologized. Nothing happened because his life is worth more than hers is.

Shia LaBeouf is Dating . . .

2007-07-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Shia LaBeouf
Shia LaBeouf is actually so hot right now that no one is good enough for him except Shia LaBeouf. He had Shia II cloned and raised in a lab in such a way that Shia II would age more quickly to be old enough to accompany him to the above-viewed red carpet event. The unfortunate part is that this means Shia II will die prematurely by at least fifty years. Luckily for Shia LaBeouf, he has thousands of these other Shias in the works, some of them horribly deformed.

Dead Men Don't Tell Lies

2007-07-14T02:59:00.000-07:00

Ted Kennedy isn't the only public figure to have killed a woman, but he is fatter than OJ. If I did it? How about Chappaquiddick? Am I right?
Anyway , Ted Kennedy is a murderer.

Lassie IV hands over the reigns to Lassie V

2007-07-13T10:03:00.000-07:00

The dog who last played Lassie, during a 1990’s feature film remake of the popular show, was eaten by some Korean guy and subsequently replaced. Fans were initially outraged by the killing of their beloved dog, until it was released that the film’s Producers and animal wrangler had sold Lassie to a Korean game show where contestants answer pop culture trivia for the chance to eat famous dogs from American movies.

Madonna Hitler Bones Swindle

2007-07-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

An inside source has just informed me, Da’kota Fanning, that Madonna is fuming mad over the rather pricey acquisition of bones that were, at the time, attributed to Adolph Hitler. (They apparently went for $2.5m!) It was later discovered that they were the femur and tibia of two of Eichman’s children whom he poisoned along with himself and his wife just before the fall of Berlin. Whoops!

Bruce Willis’s Blue Badge of Courage

2007-07-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

Bruce Willis was seen at a recent red carpet event for his new flick “Live Free or Die Hard,” sporting a blue ribbon pinned to the lapel of his tux. When asked what his pin was supposed to signify, Willis responded that it was merely a fashion statement and had nothing to do with necrophilia, responding to a subject the reporter had not brought up.

Cameron Diaz's Amazing New Diet

2007-07-08T01:03:00.000-07:00

Camera Diaz lost 40 pounds over the course of a single day! She was captured by a stalker, tortured, and then her limbs were all cut off.

Steven Seagal's Brain destroyed by Bullet

2007-07-07T01:49:00.000-07:00

The Culprit

Actor Steven Seagal was killed yesterday in an on-set accident during the filming of one of the climactic scenes in his new thriller, “Suicide Patrol,” which he was also writing, directing and producing. In the stunt sequence that went wrong, extras were to be firing dozens of blanks at the actor as he jolted back and forth around the set. Unfortunately, one of the bullets turned out to be an actual hollow point shell—sometimes referred to as a “cop killer” because of what it does to cops and other humans.

The Other Culprit: Hubris

So which gun fired the fateful bullet? The one that Seagal put in his mouth and fired while no one was filming or even on set.

So Hot They’re Radioactive

2007-07-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Though Lena Katina and Yulia Volkova, Russia’s premier Lesbian-pop duo Tatu, have lost most of their fame here in the US, they are still have quite a following in both Europe and Asia. Their success can largely be attributed to a mix of sex appeal and feel good Lesbian-Euro-pop. Volkova, who was born near Chernobyl at the time of the infamous meltdown, is valiantly struggling through their latest tour even though her skin is melting off her face and she lacks any basic motor control. “I am still sexy,” she said in a recent sit-down, speaking through a computer that does her talking for her.

Randy Quaid Has Struck Again

2007-07-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

This time TWO kids. When will he stop? No one knows.

Vanessa Redgrave, Card Carrying Member . . .

2007-06-27T18:48:00.000-07:00

of the British Nazi Party. She is pictured here accepting a bouquet and some chocolates at a fundraiser where she was being honored for her "lifelong commitment, even during WWII." She plans to leave all her money to the increasingly outdated organization "for new computers."

Ryan Phillipe is Not Gay

2007-06-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ryan Phillipe once married and successfully conceived a child with a woman. It has long been rumored that Phillipe, who often "plays it really gay" in his film roles was actually straight. This photo with a baby that he fathered through traditional male/female sexual intercourse should transform this rumor into solid fact.

Angelina Jolly Well Hates Orphans

2007-06-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

Angelina Jolie has long been hailed as an advocate for human rights and for the welfare of children. She, with the help of the little Asian tyke pictured above, even seemed to have convinced her recent beau Brad Pitt of the merits of adoption. So what of the rumors of a Jolie-Pitt split? Apparently, Jolie wanted to "return" the orphan pictured below because "it didn't speak English."

Jon Voight must be rolling in his grave.

Jennifer Connelly has an IQ of 73

2007-06-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Beloved" actress Jennifer Connelly learned from an anonymous test last Thursday that she has an IQ of 73, which marks "borderline retardation." She promptly told several media outlets because she did not understand the concept of anonymous testing.

What does this all mean for Ms. Connelly? Well, it means that, whereas an actor like Ben Kingsley (IQ 115) can complete the above maze in a matter of seconds, Ms. Connelly takes between 4 and 10 hours.

http://www.assessmentpsychology.com/iqclassifications.htm

A thing I just thought of

2007-06-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

A sexually transmitted disease is a real Diazaster. Hahahahahahahahah

Fergatitis

2007-06-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Known Hep A carrier, Fergie of the black eyed peas has been accused of transmitting the disease to all of the members the Black Eyed Peas. will.i.am, of the B. E. P.'s, denies the allegation saying, "Yes, all of the members of the group the Black Eyed Peas have Hep A and C, but Fergie did not give it to us. I got it after sleeping with Cameron Diaz; apl.de.ap contracted the disease from America Ferrera--ya know, the girl from Ugly Betty. I love that show--Oh, and Taboo also got it from Cameron Diaz."

Rihanna sure looks beautiful, but . . .

2007-06-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

Though pop star Rihanna may look beautiful, she has lost the ability to see herself. She recently admitted that she has completely lost her sight. Rihanna lost her sight after collaborator Jay-Z punched her when she wasn't looking. Now she may never be looking again.
This may effect her sex appeal in that she is choosing her clothing based only on texture now. Various family members and assistants say they are helping her make the adjustment, but inside reports show they are probably glad about what happened. When asked for comment Jay-Z said, "Fuck you. I'll punch Rihanna or anyone else for any reason I want. Or for no reason. . . I punched Rihanna for no reason."

"Randy" Randy Quaid

2007-06-18T23:44:00.000-07:00

Randy Quaid raped a kid yesterday.